Time

The Great Equalizer

You spend your time like money. You can allocate it any way you like. No one really knows how much they have.

One tell for a coercive control relationship, whether it be with a group or a person, is that suddenly all your time is taken up with them. The string of NXIVM documentaries and reenactments show the same symptom: all the target’s time is directed in the service of one person or group. The same is true for other cults.

And for an abusive relationship there is no time for other activities, friends or family. In fact, the isolation happens before the violence in domestic abuse cases.

The answer is balance.

Of course, the initial swoon of love or infatuation takes up space. But after a month, it is time to get back to regular life. You need to exercise, clean the house, cook yourself some food and sleep. “You shouldn’t be seeing someone four nights a week unless you’re engaged,” advised a book my mother gave me in law school entitled How To Marry Your Boss. OK, mayb…